Here’s why this woman avoided foreplay with her partner – in her own words…
“I haven’t had many sexual partners, but from each one I’ve learnt important lessons about myself, what I like in bed and how I feel about my body. My first boyfriend, at 17, was the first guy who made me feel good about my body. When his friends teased me about my big bum, he’d defend me by telling them how much he loved it. I was a size 32 then – the biggest I’ve ever been, and probably the most insecure.
“Another relationship taught me about my needs and what turns me on – and what doesn’t. And the more certain I became about what I wanted in bed, the more my hang-ups started to fall away. Once, when I dyed my hair blonde, men would hit on me, calling me J.Lo. I loved that. Finally I was seeing myself the way others saw me.
The Figure Fixation
“My fixation with my figure started as far back as junior school. As a girl I wanted to be a ballerina, but my dad told me to forget the idea because my bum was simply too big. That was the day I started to hate my bottom – it was the thing that stood between me and my dream. And as I grew up, there were more comments. I remember one day he put his hands around my waist and said: ‘When your mother was your age, I used to love putting my hands around her tiny waist and, you know, my fingers would touch on the other side.’ It mattered to me that he couldn’t do that with me. He was the most important man in my life, so I’d always seek his approval.
“A lot of black women I know have that curvy, hourglass figure he was talking about, and it’s the shape I’ve always wished I had. Though I consider myself black, I’m not, and I don’t look like a typical coloured woman either. Instead, I look slightly Asian and people I know have confessed to thinking: Who’s this Asian woman with a big ass and boobs? My bum is disproportionate to the rest of my petite frame – I’m 1.59m – so I think it looks odd and I’ve always had a complex about it.
“Before I lost weight, I would often opt for a quickie to avoid foreplay because it allowed my partner to scrutinise my body. I hated getting undressed in front of a man. It made me anxious and you could see it all over my face. So I’d make sure I got undressed and under the covers before he was done in the bathroom. Then the foreplay would begin, usually with a massage, which I hated because it would give him a chance to see my cellulite.
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“When I finally took control of my bad eating habits, I lost five kilos and felt more energetic, happier and sexier. I began wearing lingerie again and stopped worrying about my bum when I was naked. I was in my early thirties and having the best sex of my life – I allowed my partner to explore and appreciate my body without cringing, and it amazed me how much letting go of my inhibitions allowed me to give in to the moment. Then one night my boyfriend turned to me while we were drifting off to sleep and mumbled, ‘You know, I preferred you with a little more meat on your bones.’ I was getting more attention from other men as a size 30 than I was as a size 32 and I don’t think he liked that much.
“I realised then that how I feel about my body is more important than how others see me. I’m at my happy weight now and no man will ever convince me to fatten up or trim down. I love me, my slender frame and my juicy derrière just the way it is.”